It’s Not a Sport
by George Carlin
To my way of thinking, there are really
only three sports: baseball, basketball, and football. Everything else is
either a game or an activity.
Hockey comes to mind. People think hockey is a sport. It’s not. Hockey is
three activities taking place at the same time: ice skating, fooling around
with a puck, and beating the [heck] out of somebody.
If these guys
had more brains than teeth, they’d do these things one at a time. First you go
ice skating, then you fool around with a puck, then you go to the bar and beat
the [heck] out of somebody. The day would last longer, and these guys would
have a whole lot more fun.
Another reason
hockey is not a sport is that it’s not played with a ball. Anything not played
with a ball can’t be a sport. These are my rules, I make ’em up.
Soccer. Soccer is not a sport because you can’t use your arms. Anything
where you can’t use your arms can’t be a sport. Tap dancing isn’t a sport. I
rest my case.
Running. People think running is a sport. Running isn’t a sport because
anybody can do it. Anything we can all do can’t be a sport. I can run, you can
run. For Chrissakes, my mother can run! You don’t see her on the cover of Sports
Illustrated, do you?
Swimming. Swimming isn’t a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning.
That’s just common sense.
Sailing isn’t a sport. Sailing is a way to get somewhere. Riding the
bus isn’t a sport, why the [heck] should sailing be a sport?
Boxing is not a sport either. Boxing is a way to beat the [heck] out of
somebody. In that respect, boxing is actually a more sophisticated form of
hockey. In spite of what the police tell you, beating the [heck] out of
somebody is not a sport. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event, fine,
then boxing can be a sport.
Bowling. Bowling isn’t a sport because you have to rent the shoes. Don’t
forget, these are my rules. I make ’em up.
Billiards. Some people think billiards is a sport, but it can’t be, because
there’s no chance for serious injury. Unless, of course, you welch on a bet in
a tough neighborhood. Then, if you wind up with a pool cue stickin’ out of your
[rear end], you know you might just be the victim of a sports-related
injury. But that ain’t billiards, that’s pool, and that starts with a P,
and that rhymes with D, and that brings me to darts.
Darts could have been a sport, because at least there’s a chance to put
someone’s eye out. But, alas, darts will never be a sport, because the whole
object of the game is to reach zero, which goes against all sports logic.
Lacrosse is not a sport; lacrosse is a [lame] college activity. I don’t care
how rough it is, anytime you’re running around a field, waving a stick with a
little net on the end of it, you’re engaged in a [lame] college activity.
Period.
Field hockey
and fencing. Same thing. [Lame] college [waste of
time]. Also, these activities aren’t sports, because you can’t gamble on them.
Anything you can’t gamble on can’t be a sport. When was the last time you made
a [frikken’] fencing bet?
Gymnastics is not a sport because Romanians are good at it. It took me a long
time to come up with that rule, but [gosh darn it], I did it.
Polo isn’t a sport. Polo is golf on horseback. Without the holes. It’s a
great concept, but it’s not a sport. And as far as water polo is concerned, I
hesitate to even mention it, because it’s extremely cruel to the horses.
Which brings me
to hunting. You think hunting is a sport? Ask the deer. The only good
thing about hunting is the many fatal accidents on the weekends. And, of course,
the permanently disfigured hunters who survive such accidents.
Then you have tennis.
Tennis is very trendy and very fruity, but it’s not a sport. It’s just a way to
meet other trendy fruits. Technically, tennis is an advanced form of Ping-Pong.
In fact, tennis is Ping-Pong played while standing on the table. Great concept,
not a sport.
In fact, all
racket games are nothing more than derivatives of Ping-Pong. Even volleyball
is, technically, racketless, team Ping-Pong played with an inflated ball and a
raised net while standing on the table.
And finally we
come to golf. For my full take on golf, I refer you elsewhere in the
book, but let it just be said golf is a game that might possibly be fun, if it
could be played alone. But it’s the vacuous, striving, superficial,
male-bonding joiners one has to associate with that makes it such a repulsive
pastime. And it is decidedly not a sport. Period.