It's Not a Sport - by George Carlin

(The following excerpt is posted for non-commercial, educational purposes. I will remove it if requested. No lawsuits are necessary. Some words were censored to make it age appropriate.)

It’s Not a Sport

by George Carlin

To my way of thinking, there are really only three sports: baseball, basketball, and football. Everything else is either a game or an activity.

 

Hockey comes to mind. People think hockey is a sport. It’s not. Hockey is three activities taking place at the same time: ice skating, fooling around with a puck, and beating the [heck] out of somebody.

If these guys had more brains than teeth, they’d do these things one at a time. First you go ice skating, then you fool around with a puck, then you go to the bar and beat the [heck] out of somebody. The day would last longer, and these guys would have a whole lot more fun.

Another reason hockey is not a sport is that it’s not played with a ball. Anything not played with a ball can’t be a sport. These are my rules, I make ’em up.

Soccer. Soccer is not a sport because you can’t use your arms. Anything where you can’t use your arms can’t be a sport. Tap dancing isn’t a sport. I rest my case.

Running. People think running is a sport. Running isn’t a sport because anybody can do it. Anything we can all do can’t be a sport. I can run, you can run. For Chrissakes, my mother can run! You don’t see her on the cover of Sports Illustrated, do you?

Swimming. Swimming isn’t a sport. Swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That’s just common sense.

Sailing isn’t a sport. Sailing is a way to get somewhere. Riding the bus isn’t a sport, why the [heck] should sailing be a sport?

Boxing is not a sport either. Boxing is a way to beat the [heck] out of somebody. In that respect, boxing is actually a more sophisticated form of hockey. In spite of what the police tell you, beating the [heck] out of somebody is not a sport. When police brutality becomes an Olympic event, fine, then boxing can be a sport.

Bowling. Bowling isn’t a sport because you have to rent the shoes. Don’t forget, these are my rules. I make ’em up.

Billiards. Some people think billiards is a sport, but it can’t be, because there’s no chance for serious injury. Unless, of course, you welch on a bet in a tough neighborhood. Then, if you wind up with a pool cue stickin’ out of your [rear end], you know you might just be the victim of a sports-related injury. But that ain’t billiards, that’s pool, and that starts with a P, and that rhymes with D, and that brings me to darts.

Darts could have been a sport, because at least there’s a chance to put someone’s eye out. But, alas, darts will never be a sport, because the whole object of the game is to reach zero, which goes against all sports logic.

Lacrosse is not a sport; lacrosse is a [lame] college activity. I don’t care how rough it is, anytime you’re running around a field, waving a stick with a little net on the end of it, you’re engaged in a [lame] college activity. Period.

Field hockey and fencing. Same thing. [Lame] college [waste of time]. Also, these activities aren’t sports, because you can’t gamble on them. Anything you can’t gamble on can’t be a sport. When was the last time you made a [frikken’] fencing bet?

Gymnastics is not a sport because Romanians are good at it. It took me a long time to come up with that rule, but [gosh darn it], I did it.

Polo isn’t a sport. Polo is golf on horseback. Without the holes. It’s a great concept, but it’s not a sport. And as far as water polo is concerned, I hesitate to even mention it, because it’s extremely cruel to the horses.

Which brings me to hunting. You think hunting is a sport? Ask the deer. The only good thing about hunting is the many fatal accidents on the weekends. And, of course, the permanently disfigured hunters who survive such accidents.

Then you have tennis. Tennis is very trendy and very fruity, but it’s not a sport. It’s just a way to meet other trendy fruits. Technically, tennis is an advanced form of Ping-Pong. In fact, tennis is Ping-Pong played while standing on the table. Great concept, not a sport.

In fact, all racket games are nothing more than derivatives of Ping-Pong. Even volleyball is, technically, racketless, team Ping-Pong played with an inflated ball and a raised net while standing on the table.

And finally we come to golf. For my full take on golf, I refer you elsewhere in the book, but let it just be said golf is a game that might possibly be fun, if it could be played alone. But it’s the vacuous, striving, superficial, male-bonding joiners one has to associate with that makes it such a repulsive pastime. And it is decidedly not a sport. Period.

Sports, Games & Exercise.

Dear students,

One of the great failings of the Yes! Maturita book is how poorly it explains these three related, but different things. You need to memorize these simple definitions:

1. A game is a friendly competition for fun, and sometimes money, involving rules, luck, strategy, and various skills. There are many different kinds of games: card games, board games, video games, children's games, drinking games, sports, etc.

2. A sport is commonly considered any game that focuses on physical abilities, such as strength (sila), speed (rýchlosť), stamina (výdrž), dexterity (obratnosť), and aim (zámer). In sports, strategy is emphasized (zvýraznený) while luck is minimized, with only an occasional coin toss. The idea is that the winning player or team must be stronger and more highly skilled than the competition.

Some motorized races, such as NASCAR, Formula 1, and motorbike racing are considered sports because of the level of danger involved. The idea is that, if the level of danger and recklessness can compensate for the lack of physical strength, etc, it's still a sport. And horse racing is a sport where the real athletes are the horses.

There is some debate as to whether some games are "sports". It's a status issue, because calling it a sport sounds more impressive. In general, any game that doesn't require intense physical training is not considered a sport, which is why bowling, snooker, and chess aren't included in the Olympics.

People are sometimes confused about chess because of the Chess Olympiad, a yearly competition organized by a completely different organization, having nothing to do with the summer or winter Olympic Games. And, before you use the Olympics to define what is or isn't a sport, remember they used to have Olympic art competitions too. Is art a sport?

Sometimes you'll hear someone say that -x- isn't a sport because it's not their favorite. Maybe it's not popular or shown on TV. These opinions aren't true, and mostly based on machismo, but they can be funny. Here's George Carlin for example:

"Soccer is not a sport because you can’t use your arms. Anything where you can’t use your arms can’t be a sport. Tap dancing isn’t a sport. I rest my case."

3. Not every form of physical activity or recreation is a sport. A sport is a game, so it requires rules, a winner, and a loser. If there's no winner and loser, it's not a sport. It's exercise. Exercise is what people do to become strong and healthy. Some people do it to relax and unwind. Some do it to look more attractive. Some do it because their doctor told them they should.

Is running a sport? It can be. It all depends. If I go running by myself in the morning before work, that's not a sport. That's exercise. If I run in a race, then it's a sport. If I'm a criminal running from a policeman, I suppose it's a kind of sport, depending on how you define "winning" and "losing", but it's not an official sport. It is entertaining for spectators, though.

Is cycling a sport? It can be. It all depends. If I ride my bicycle to work, that's not a sport, that's transportation. If I ride it for a day out in the country, that's both recreation and exercise. If I ride it in a race, like the Tour de France, then it's a sport.

Is swimming a sport? It can be. It all depends. If I swim around Mlynky Dedinky with my friends it's not. That's just recreation. If I swim laps at the pool, trying to go as fast as I can, that's exercise, and maybe training, if I plan to enter a race. If I swim in a race (called a swim meet) then it's a sport.

Is aerobics a sport? Not usually, but it can be. There are aerobics competitions, as well as bodybuilding competitions. It all has to do with competition. And, hiking is not a sport. Hiking is just walking wherever it's okay to pee. Drink enough, and you can go hiking anywhere. I see people hiking downtown all the time. Orienteering can be a sport (that's finding your way in the woods with a compass). People organize competitions for orienteering.

P.S. I almost forgot! In Slovak, when you say atletika, you're referring to a set of races and competitions that we typically call Track and Field in English. In English an athlete isn't only someone who plays track and field. An athlete is anyone who plays any sport. So, if you exercise, you're strong, and you're skilled in one sport, you're an athlete.

Surviving The Holidays With Lewis Black

Many celebrities talk about different holidays in America, from Thanksgiving to New Years Eve:

Plagiarism And Research

How to Write a Research Essay:

 

 

America's War on Christmas

Conservatives in America often complain on television that Christmas is in danger - that liberals want to ban it (zakázať).

The Daily Show with Jon Stewart	Mon - Thurs 11p / 10c
The War on Christmas: Friendly Fire Edition
www.thedailyshow.com
Daily Show Full Episodes Political Humor & Satire Blog The Daily Show on Facebook

Here's what they said, to help you understand:

Welcome to the Daily Show! My name is Jon Stewart! We got a good one for you tonight! Dennis Leary is going to be on the program, author of the new book, Merry F**king Christmas. That’s his book there. Am I reading that title correctly? Merry F**king Christmas. Yes, that’s correct. I can only assume it’s a delightful romp to holiday cooking and decorating. Leary loves crafting, I’ll say that.

Speaking of Christmas, you’re probably aware by now our nation’s been embroiled (vtiahnutý do) in a long and bitter (krutý) war.

“The first salvo in the war on Christmas”

4X “War on Christmas”

War on Christmas! Not to be confused with Gwar on Christmas, it’s a tremendous Christmas album. For years now Christmas has been under attack, defended only by the brave souls of Fox News. Are they still up to the task? (Su ešte pripravený s prácu?) That is the subject of tonight’s War on Christmas, Friendly Fire Edition. Let’s face facts. The annual Fox war on Christmas has become a little predictable (predpovedateľný). It’s basically, I imagine you could make one up with a, like a Make Fox News Mad Libs. Let’s see. Let’s try to do one of these:

Last week, in, I need the name of some Godless, liberal bastion (bašta).

“Santa Monica”

Okay, Santa Monica that’ll do. Let me just fill in Santa Monica there, and in Santa Monica a group of, give me the name of a small group of annoying people with incredibly limited control over our culture.

“atheists.”

Okay, atheists’ll do. That’s right. Everyone’s favorite uncle that lives in Oregon, that no one ever sees. So a group of atheists have ruined Christmas by forcing the removal of – I need a classic Christmas symbol.

“ass.”

Damnit Brian, we’re trying to do something here! Just go sit in the car!

“a nativityscene.”

Thank you! Nativity scene! At least some people are still grown-ups over there. Okay, Alright so we’re done. Let’s see if we can put that all together, shall we?

“Atheists seem to have ended a 60-year-old Christmas tradition in Santa Monica California.”

“Now a Federal Judge backing Santa Monica’s decision to no longer allow Nativity scenes at a public park.”

Oh my god, that is such an out!–snore… It’s as though the War on Christmas has become a rote observance (nudný zvyk), devoid (zbavený) of all its original spiritual meaning. Even its most ardent proponents (navrhovatelia) have seen doubt creep in.

“Now, a lot of people, for whatever reason, will look at this interview today, and they’ll say, Gretchen Carlson and Doreen Costa are nuts (šialený), okay, they’re so nuts because they think that there’s this made-up (falošný) War on Christmas. We’re not nuts are we? There is a war on Christmas.”

As a general rule, if you’re trying to tell whether you and one other person are nuts, ask a third person, preferably someone outside the asylum (ústav). But, since you asked the question, “Am I nuts to think there’s a War on Christmas,” it’s only polite for me to offer you a resounding (hlasný), yes you’re f**king nuts. Because, for whatever annoying, local, ticky-tack (byrokratický), Christmas-abolishing (odstrániť) story you and your merry band of persecution-seeking researchers (výskumnikov ktory hladaju pronasledovanie) can scour the wires (hladať cez internet) to turn up (najsť), the rest of us can’t swing a dead elf (mávať mrtvy škriatok) without knocking over a inflatable snowglobe or a giant, blinking candy cane.

For God’s sakes, Fox News itself is located in Midtown Manhattan, the epicenter of all that is Godless, secular, gay, Jewy, and hellbound (predurčený na to isť do peklo). And yet, even here, all around your studio, it looks like Santa’s balls exploded. That is a hypothesis.

You know, in the old days, before the War on Christmas, the celebration of the birth of Christ lasted a day, like birthdays do. And then it seeped (šíril) into the night before Christmas, the Eve, if you will, and then the next thing you know we were riding this thing all the way to Epiphany. Fine, 12 days! It gave time for lords to leep and geese to lay and partridges to pear, and gold to ring. It’s just 12 days of servants and f**king poultry (hydina), whatever! But it still wasn’t enough. There’s a War on Christmas? Has anyone told Thanksgiving? Because, this year Black Friday, aka Christmas’s opening bell, got moved back a day to Black Thursday, or as we used to call it, Thanksgiving. Christmas is so big now, it’s eating other holidays. Watch your ass, Halloween, you’re next.

Let me ask you a question. Do atheists land an occasional blow? I guess. Even the Washington Generals get lucky once in awhile. But, when you look at the overall record between the two teams – for God’s sakes, there are radio stations that play nothing but Christmas carols, stores that sell nothing but Christmas decorations all year long. There is a TV channel devoted to a Yule log. And, it’s kicking CNN’s ass in the ratings!

But, don’t worry non-log-burning channels, there’s Christmas programs for you as well. There’s old-timey, traditional Christmas programming, really old-timey, Dickensian Christmas special programming, new-timey Hey-Hey-Hey! urban Christmas specials, Mormon Christmas specials, country-western Christmas specials, chipmunk Christmas specials, otter Christmas specials, bear Christmas specials, cat Christmas specials, large-headed child Christmas, gay Christmas, Jewish Christmas, whatever the fuck this is Christmas, Christmas under water, Christmas from the future, prehistoric Christmas. That’s right, there’s a Christmas special celebrating the Jesus’s birth thousands of years before the birth of Jesus.

Youth Culture

 

 

1B & 2B Art Test Notes

1B & 2 B - Dear Students, next week there will be an end of semester test, reviewing what we've discussed this year. There will be the following vocabulary:

an elevation drawing/plan – pohľad spredu
a ¾ view – trojštvrtinový pohľad
a profile – profil
a contour line/outline – obrys
parallel ovals – paralelné elipsy
natural – prirodzený
line weight – hrúbka čiary (tenká, hrubá)
a spotlight – bodové osvetlenie
to squint – prižmúriť
using all the paper - kompozičné vyťaženie papiera
a direct light source – priame svetlo
a diffused light source – rozptýlené svetlo
overcast light/sky – zatiahnutá obloha
a symbolic representation - symbolické zobrazenie
basic shapes – základné tvary
bilateral symmetry – bilaterálna symetria
a pattern – vzor
parallel planes – paralelné plochý

You need to know this vocabulary also:

If these shadows seem confusing, watch this short video (4 minutes). It'll help you:

In addition to vocabulary, we also watched a film about cave painting. If you were ill that day, I have it right here, with notes: http://englishconv-javorova.blogspot.sk/2012/11/prehistoric-europeans-people-who.html
Be sure to study this!!!!!!!!!!!!

And you will also have to describe a painting that I will show during the test. Remember how we talk about pictures:

2B

We also discussed beauty and why it matters, so be prepared to talk about it. The film Banishment of Beauty talked about the Bauhaus school of art. Here's what you need to know (from Wikipedia):

1st Bauhaus school in Weimar, Germany

The Bauhaus school was founded by Walter Gropius in Weimar, Germany, and combined crafts with the fine arts.

Walter Gropius (1883-1969), modernist architect

The name means "School of Building". In spite of this, and that its founder was an architect, the Bauhaus did not have an architecture department during the first years of its existence. It was founded with the idea of creating a single code of aesthetics to be used for all the arts, under the principle that form follows function. The Bauhaus style became one of the most influential currents in Modernist architecture and design. The Bauhaus had a profound influence upon subsequent developments in art, architecture, graphic design, interior design, industrial design, and typography. It operated from 1919 to 1933, when the school was closed under pressure from the Nazis.